Going to the Dogs

So where was I? Oh yeah... Dogs.

I like dogs as much as the next guy. I think they make great pets and I've had a few over the course of my life and I enjoyed their company immensely. Right now I don't have one because I'm trying to keep my life as simple as possible. I like to disappear for the weekend, take long weekend trips, go on vacation now and then, etc. I never was and never will be one of those people that feels they need to bring their pet everywhere they go, and I don't want to be running to and from a kennel to drop off and pick up a dog. Nor do I want to have to run home to let the dog out when I'm out having fun. Ergo, no high-maintenance pets. Been there, done that. I'll take a rain check for the time being.
As much as I like dogs, I absolutely detest yours. Let's face it - your dog sucks. It sheds, it barks incessantly, and it shits on my lawn.
In my warped view of the world there are four types of dog owners:

1. Normal dog owners. These are people that take good care of their dogs, make their lives comfortable, don't mistreat them, and see to it that their dogs aren't a nuisance to anyone else. They realize a dog is an animal and neither hold that against them nor put them on a pedestal. I was one of these. There may be 3 or 4 others in the world but I wouldn't count on it.
2. People that think dogs are small furry people. You know the types: The guy who can't go anywhere without his dog (complete with the requisite bandanna around its neck, of course); and the woman who dresses her poodle up like Paris Hilton and feeds it filet mignon. These are the kind of people that show up with their dog when they're invited to a party, and spend more time talking to the dog than anyone else.
3. People that have dogs that they just don't give a shit about. These are the kind of people that keep a dog tied up in the backyard on a 4 foot chain, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Or just as bad, just let them run around loose all the time. Generally one dog isn't enough to satisfy this type, they need a whole pack. The higher in quantity and larger in size, the better. They are usually low class, low IQ numbskulls, and probably litter too.
   
4. People that are an amalgam and display traits of all 3 above.
   

Both neighbors on either side of me have dogs. Naturally.
The dog on the left is loose all the time, I frequently find it sleeping in my front yard. I don't mind it too much since it shits elsewhere and doesn't make any racket. Although one time it decided it didn't like moles and dug up most of my back yard. I would've liked to take a shovel to its head after that episode. It is however, a chow. That and temperatures regularly over 90 are a bad combination. Throw in a good number of kids running around playing and you have a disaster waiting to happen. They're a young couple and this is probably their first house so they don't know any better. Or on the other hand they could be incurable dumbasses, it could go either way. Once their dog bites someone and they lose everything in a lawsuit they'll figure it out.

The dog on the right shits in my yard every day. Well, it used to till I set them straight. No exaggeration, every freaking day this mutt would shit in my front yard, and it's a big one too. This dog is nothing but a shit factory. It's old, feeble, and can barely walk, but it made it over here every day. These people are weird. They have a big fenced in yard but they don't let the dog in the yard, probably because they don't want its shit everywhere. What they do is either let it out the front door to crap in my yard or confine it on their deck, which is covered in shit. A nice big deck they could enjoy, but it's covered in dog shit. Dog lovers, go figure.
One day me and the wife were going for a ride on the Harley. I opened the garage door and there's the dog, taking a dump in my yard, as usual. I stormed out of the garage to chase the dog off, glance next door on my way and the whole fucking family was standing in their front yard watching their dog crap in my yard. What a bunch of jackasses. Naturally, I let them have it with both barrels, cuz that's what I do. I don't calmly explain how they could be better neighbors when they first do something inconsiderate, I do a slow burn as the annoying habit continues day after day. Then I eventually snap and come roaring in like a force 5 hurricane, leveling everything and everyone in my path. But that's the method I prefer, it keeps chit-chat to a minimum and gets the job done. At any rate, I don't find dog shit in my yard anymore.

Two doors down is the world-champion marathon barker. A very excitable and annoying terrier of some sort. One night, while I was asleep but my wife was kept awake by the yapping, she decided to call the cops on the schmuck / pet lover. She told me about it in the morning when I woke up. Unfortunately, as I explained to her, that schmuck is a cop. She says "Don't worry, they won't say who complained." Yeah right, and Karl Rove isn't vindictive. He probably didn't even have to ask before he was told who called. I don't think I've heard the last of that one yet.

So to summarize: If you have a dog take good care of it. It's your dog so keep it on your property. Clean up after it. Don't treat it better than a normal person would treat their children. Unless you're going to a park or to the vet , leave Fido at home. Don't foist your shedding, smelly, drooling, ill-mannered little darling on other people.
Follow these simple rules and others will appreciate your pet as much as you do.

Next time, more 'Must see PC': Neighbors who hate their neighbors, and the neighbors who hate them back. Be sure to tune in.